this is pretty much the conflict i find myself in these days. i´m in the middle of finishing school, setting my feet into a new direction, trying to decide where to go. part of me knows that life is too much a mystery to make my hasty desicions matter much. part of me wants to surf life and not be afraid of the future, knowing that it will work out in some way. part of me is excited by all the opportunities that open themselves up to me now, all the directions i can go in.
the other part is just nakedly afraid of everything, questioning every wish and longing. do i deserve what i wish for? shouldn´t i just be thankful for the remarkably priviledged life i´ve led so far? do i really need to reach for the stars?
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
Bob Moawad
i found this quote on gloria´s great blog. i find it equally fascinating and true as frightening. my life is mine. there is no one to rely on. it´s in my hands. whereas that could also feel comforting, to me at my present situation it puts even more pressure on me. it´s mine so if it ends up totally messed up it´s my fault too. am i weak when i rely on a friends desicion? i often find myself gravitating around my friends confidences. the way they carefully choose between their options. i often feel them waiting for me to make up my mind before they come to a conclusion themselves. are we really as alone in this as we wish and sometimes are afraid to be?
for me today it feels more like life is a fine web of desicions and tendencies, that rely on friends or family more that we think and that we never are truly alone in what we do. at least this is what i hold on to today. every little step we take on our path new options and ways open themselves up to us and it´s us aswell as the people around us that inspire and influence our next steps.
(pictures i found randomly, except the first which i took in pompeji of my foot... at the time i thought i would be great to have my foot + shadow in the dust and ashes of pompeji :D)
